June 23rd, 1998......................Mid-week of Moonlit Nipples
Beware Ye Cokeheads
Police today arrested two Amish men, both named Abner Stoltzfus, for cocaine possession. Apparently, the Amish party boys would distribute the cocaine at dances. Crack, of course, is the more affordable drug, but because it requires the use of a crack pipe to ingest, the Amish have to reject such technology and are limited to snorting the cocaine off ornately carved wooden plates, complete with residue gutters and line separators.
As if this weren't bizarre enough, the supplier of the Amish Snow was a pair of bikers from a gang known as the Pagans. They met the men participating in a "timeout", which is a time in the "real world" where you must decide if you want to become Amish for real. In a cocaine induced stupor, both Abners apparently had decided to remain Amish.
When the Amish start becoming drug dealers, what could possibly be next? Will the Abners start cruising around in low-riding buggies, pimping the Amish ho's for that extra bushel of grain? Will drive-by stonings start breaking out as rebellious Amish youth seek to mark out territory in the Pennsylvania backlands? Will they start trading furniture for drugs? Carving special drug compartments in their shoes? Start sniffing carpenter's glue? Surely the decline of civilization is now complete.
If the Abners are reading this, which I suddenly suspect is possible, I suggest they turn their life around and start scoring some roofies so they can slip a mickey to some Amish babe and take advantage of the latest in modern date-rape pharmaceuticals. What sort of hallucinations does an Amish guy have, anyway? Machinery? Women revealing their ankles most salaciously? I'd love to see the world through their cokehead Amish eyes for just an hour or so, mostly for the giggles.
So, beware, just when we thought there were still a few religions without hypocrites we find that, yes indeed, even the Amish are as fucked up as the rest of them. Let's hope the Abners can plow their way into redemption. But that's just me.
Quote of the Day:
Perhaps society would be better if the Thundercats would come back on the air. They always could kick the Power Ranger's asses.